Statecraft Informer

Another important story has just reached my desk here at SI Central (that would be Statecraft Informer, not Sports Illustrated, Smithsonian Institution, Staten Island, Stupid Idiot, or even Seriously Ill, although…):

MOSCOW, RUSSIA, Yesterday, incredibly lame, duck, U.S. President George Bush met with equally lame (duck!) Russian President Vladimir Putin, and warmly shook hands as they announced the momentous results of a joint conference on global affairs.

Speaking to a newly free Russian press, an unusually animated Putin declared, “On behalf of President Bush and myself, and in consideration of the last 17 years, I am pleased to announce that the experiment is over.”

Naturally, he said this in Russian, and my Russian is practically nyet, so I thought he was talking about the ridiculous comb-over he’s been employing for years now, but luckily, President Bush began to speak, and his English is at least as good as my Russian.

Mr. Bush confirmed, “Yes, our two nation’s have had nothing but trouble since the Cold War ended, so Vlad and I have decided unitarianly to fire it back up again.”

Reading from a prepared statement, Mr. Putin, elaborated, “While discussing the current global situation, President Bush and I began reminiscing about “the Good Old Days” of Berlin Walls, Iron Curtains, recognizable and containable enemies, inside and outside each of our two countries.” He continued, “We realized all at once, the world was a far less dangerous place when we could wipe humanity off the face of the Earth with the touch of a button.”

Mr. Bush smiled and added, “And that’s why, starting next Monday around 11 AM or so, Russia and the United States will once again be sworn enmities.”

He went on to say, “Since the elections over in America went real bad for us, and the far left plans to make the next couple of years even worse for me and my coconspiriators, I’ve agreed to let Putin and his comrades be the good guys this time around.”

“That’s right,” said a rakish Mr. Putin, “Until further notice, Russia and all the old, so-called independent states, will now become part of the new United Soviets of Europe & Asia, or ‘USEA,’ for short.”

Mr. Bush grabbed the microphone and announced, “And from now on, everybody living north of Andy’s Mountains will be citizens of the new U.S.S.R., the United States of Supreme Republicans.”

He said, ” Canadian Prime Minister Harper, said his people probably won’t mind, except maybe some of the ‘Frenchies,’ and President Fox of Mexico said he’d go along if he could have Texas.”

“I told him, what the heck, they’re mostly Mexicans now, anyway, and besides, he agreed to help us take back the Panama Canal.” Mr. Bush added, “You can always count on Vinnie, you know?”

Mr. Putin said, “It’ll take a little time to put old American-style democracy to work, especially in newly-annexed western Europe. They’re such socialists. China, on the other hand, has already agreed to join us in principle, as long as they can keep slaves. I’m sure we can all come to the same kind of reasonable accommodations the West has employed so successfully through the years.”

The two leaders went on to announce their intention to put the leaders of the Middle East on two weeks notice. In Mr. Bush’s words, “Pick a dictator or puppet government ASAP, or at least as soon as possible, or we’ll start testing some of the older, more volatile weapons from our nucular stockpiles on your terrorist heads,” adding, “Enough is enough, already.”

Mr. Bush said being called “Premier,” and becoming a “Cold Warrior” would be “kinda cool.” He claimed avoiding elections would really free up his schedule, but expressed some worry that running a really “Evil Empire” might take some getting used to. He did say, however, that if he didn’t like it, “Dick (Cheney) said he and Condi (Condoleeza Rice) would be happy to take over, and that I could be Baseball Commissioner!”

Following a hurriedly arranged caucus, Democratic leaders, U.S. Rep. Nancy Pelosi, and U.S. Sen. Harry Reid, declared their intention to immediately withdraw to south Florida, calling upon, “As many freedom-loving, yet still liberal Americans, to join them in their patriotic journey to liberate Cuba once and for all, and establish a new beacon of democracy behind the rapidly closing Iron Curtain of the new Republican Empire.”

When asked for his opinion about the compelling changes about to take place in the soon-to-be-former United States, National Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean, said, “To be quite frank with you, I don’t think the majority of American people will be able to tell the difference.”

He added, “YEEEEOOOOOW!!”