Statecraft Informer

BATON ROUGE, La. - Here’s A Hot One Off The Wire: Congressman loses his party’s support. Eight-term Louisiana Democrat, William Jefferson, was passed over by the party’s State Central Committee in favor of state Rep. Karen Carter.

Below you’ll find a reminder regarding Congressman Jefferson’s alleged illegal activities, which as is the case so often these days, was caught on tape. Naturally, he denies any wrongdoing, so the party, no doubt hoping people would just forget about it, waited until three weeks before elections to throw their support to someone unlikely to be indicted for anything this late in the season. It was close, though. The vote to endorse Carter was 69-53.

I must point out, of course, Jefferson has not yet been charged. Wonder if cold cash has anything to do with any of this?

HOLLYWOOD, CA. On the heels of U.S. Representative William Jefferson’s appearance on the hit summer CBS reality show, “Gotcha!,�? other, many better-known, politicians, corporate CEOs and public figures are scrambling to grab their own piece of the latest American pop culture pie.

According to ratings estimates, over 20 million viewers watched as Jefferson, D-La., allegedly accepted $100,000.00 in $100 bills in exchange for his help arranging a business deal in Nigeria, and listened in as he joked with his“wired�? partner that it was “as if…the FBI is watching.�?

Announcing “I have been extraordinarily effective�? in office, Rep. Jefferson was originally indignant about the undercover FBI operation which led to the discovery of most of the $100,000.00 in the congressman’s Capitol office freezer, wrapped up in aluminum foil like pork chops. He claimed at the time that “There are two sides to every story…certainly two sides to this story�? while protesting his innocence to the Capitol Hill press corp.

Then a third side was uncovered, as CBS acknowledged its deal with Jefferson and his team of attorneys for the exclusive rights to his “tragic American tale of unlawful government searches and seizures, manipulations and entrapments,�? will eventually net the congressman at least ten times his original “alleged�? haul. “It’s true,�? a CBS spokesperson commented, “With residuals, syndication fees and a possible book deal, Mr. Jefferson has been able to, as he put it at the time of the sting, ‘…make a deal for my children.’�?

Perhaps upset that their own attorneys had not effectively represented their interests, personalities ranging from Enron’s Ken Lay to several members of the Kennedy clan, have let it be known that certain audio and/or video tapes “may exist�? which allegedly might tend to incriminate them, and which could possibly become available “under the right set of circumstances.�?

As part of its new series launch, CBS has announced that the next episode of “Gotcha!,�? a special two-hour event, will deal with “a pivotal moment in recent US Presidential history, and reveal for the first time the contents of approximately 18 1/2 minutes of recently recaptured audiotape.�? Although CBS has only aired one episode of “Gotcha!�? so far, the network is already planning for series spin-offs, including, “ Heartland Gotcha!,�? “Newlywed Gotcha!,�? and “Gotcha LIVE!�?

Over at rival NBC, sources revealed the network is developing its own “gotcha�? concept for the upcoming season, tentatively called, “Sting: The TV Show.�? Meanwhile, MTV executives claimed to have already “patented�? the whole idea, and let slip its intentions to begin filming “Cancun Cribs Confidential,�? while the CW network announced its plans for “Cracktown Smackdown,�? an undercover drug/wrestling format show, to begin airing in January.

© 2006 TS Tyler All Rights Reserved

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Okay, so five years after 9/11, our ports are still more porous than A-Rod’s glove at third base, and the SAFE Port Act just signed into law by President Bush should help close a few gaps, but wait… What’s this? Why, look, it’s a tricky little bit of business U.S. House and Senate Leaders snuck under the table, and into the bill late last month, effectively putting the kibosh on internet poker.

The American people, according to various polls in recent years, have overwhelmingly opposed federal efforts to ban online poker. Poker enthusiasts no doubt assumed the subject was way back-burnered, or at least a good bet to be tabled for the immediate future, and many have expressed shock upon hearing the news.

Sometimes it’s hard to understand what motivates some “leading politicians�? and/or the administration. Perhaps a desire to regulate industry? We all know how the current powers-that-be love increased government oversight of private enterprise, private lives, private property, right? No, wait, what am I saying? That’s those pesky nanny-Demos. Oh, I get it. We’re the GOP. We don’t regulate. Better prohibit it!

Since their bottom dealing will no doubt put a crimp into many millions of Americans’ odds of recreational poker enjoyment, I can’t help but wonder who’s behind this strategy? Ultra-conservatives crying desperately for a winning hand? Most likely; but that doesn’t include at least one Texan like Dubya.

Living poker legend Doyle Brunson said, “As a lifelong poker player, I can’t believe the underhanded way this new bill restricting online poker was passed through Congress. What does Internet poker have to do with the Safe Port Bill? We Texans don’t like this kind of trickery. Texas is a state where you can see an enemy coming, a friend is a friend, and you look someone straight in the eyes.”

Well, anyway, I guess maybe our ports will be a little safer. But don’t bet on it.

WASHINGTON, D.C.- At a symbolic event yesterday at the Tomb of the Unknown Housekeeper, President Bush announced a dramatic new plan for reforming United States immigration policy for “our convenience and the convenience of future generations of Americans.�?

Admitting his most recent initiative calling for the construction of a high-voltage electric fence between the US-Mexican border and distribution of Get-Out-Of-Mexico Free/Debit Cards to illegal and illegal-wannabes, would not solve the growing problem of his low poll numbers, the President instead proposed abandoning the Emancipation Proclamation of 1862, the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution and reestablishing the “peculiar institution�? of slavery in the United States of America.

In a bold attempt to recapture the support of his ultraconservative, white-collared and/or red-necked base, President Bush declared, “It was a simple decision. See, Americans won’t do a lot of the tough, dirty jobs this country has to offer for low wages and no benefits, and millions of folks south of the border will. In the end, our country pays a high price in lost tax revenue and unpaid government services, not to mention billions of dollars sent back to Mexico and other poor countries, which just encourages more people to illegally clean our toilets and pick our artichokes.�?

In a remarkably honest statement, the President noted, “Whole generations are being raised and exploited within the shadows in this country, and your government and your tax dollars are paying for it. It is time for these despicable un-American practices to come to an end. It is time for the exploiters to pay their fair share, and for the exploited to come out into the light once and for all.�? Mr. Bush added, “Look, you and I both know we can’t just deport the millions of people in our country illegally. It would cost more than regime change in Iraq, I mean, the war on terror, and besides, they’d only come right back again, just like they do now. My plan is a no-brainer.�?

President Bush indicated his executive order, which has already been pre-approved by a majority of Supreme Court Justices, will not take effect until January 1, 2007, and calls for every person found to be illegally present within the US borders at that time and thereafter to de deemed “property of the Untied States.�?

A high-ranking White House official (whose identity as Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove could not be confirmed by someone who may or may not have been Vice President Dick Cheney) said, “This should give anyone, including potential terrorists, enough time to get back to wherever the hell it is they came from before becoming official US slaves.�?

In an apparent attempt to forestall potential opposition from those he referred to as “Liberals,�? the President was quick to add that “new slavery�? in the Untied States would be well-regulated, bipartisan, and carried out on a strictly “need-to-own�? basis.

According to the President’s plan, slave-master applicants will be required to provide “complete job profiles (hours limited from dawn to dusk, 365 days annually, except for ‘domestics’),�? and for each servant, “minimum basic housing, food and water; English-as-a-second-language training, and cable television.�?

“Servant Trade Boards�? would be established in every state to regulate the sale, transfer and trading of slaves nationally, and owners would receive prorated tax deductions to help offset the cost of procuring and maintaining their “stable of workers,�? as well as the installation of “invisible fencing, and electronic implanting�? which shall be the proscribed method of “behavior modification and control.�?

At first outraged, labor union leaders expressed tentative support for the President’s initiative, which called for the “creation of one new union job for every ten officially recognized new slaves.�? Conservative estimates show a near doubling of union membership could result by the year 2008. AFL-CIO President John Sweeney called the plan, “The most significant advance for the union movement in America in nearly forty years. I never thought I’d say it, but this President is finally on the right track.�?

Upon learning of his dramatic announcement and the upcoming changes in US policy, a growing number of massive “immigrant rallies�? are being abruptly planned for cities across the country, sponsored largely by a wide variety of US business owners and their shareholders. “Three hots and a cot,�? and “Better a slave in the US than free in Mexico,�? banners have been sprouting up along the border.

Mexican President, Vincente Fox, speaking out against the US President’s plan, indicated he will soon be meeting with leaders from throughout Central and South America to figure out what to do with the destitute millions in their countries who will choose not to become US slaves, and how to make up for the tens of billions of dollars which will no longer be sent back to their nations from “courageous expatriates.�?

Meanwhile, President and Mrs. Bush left the Capitol to begin a pre-election “working vacation�? at their Crawford, Texas ranch. Among other things, the first couple will be overseeing the installation of several hundred miles of invisible fencing, and the construction of new “servants quarters.�?

Overnight polling indicated the President’s approval ratings have soared into the low sixties on the heels of this latest announcement.

As you can see, this space is called “Statecraft Informer.�? I didn’t come up with that, but I like it.

According to my sources (secret dictionaries, etc.), “statecraft�? refers to “the art of conducting affairs of state;�? “affairs of state�? translates to “politics;�? and “informer,�? in most benign sense, is “one who imparts information.�?

So what do we have here? We have latitude. Scope. Breadth. Maybe good breadth; maybe bad breadth, only time and those close to me will tell. Anyway, I’ll be blogging about politics as I see ‘em, wherever “they�? may be found, and my spin will usually be determined by whether what I see or hear makes any rational sense to me at all.

I hope you’ll find this space worth a regular visit, and welcome any and all conversation, discussion, input, insight, and yes, mudslingingly distorted, self-serving bias. Intellect is desired, participation is encouraged, good humor is always welcomed, but all views are accepted. Yes. Even yours.